In this post, I’ll be talking about the reasons why men cheat and what YOU can do to keep your relationship safe!
(Hey! Want to watch a video about this blog post? Watch it on my YouTube Channel!)
There are a lot of things we can do to hurt our relationships, from lying to misguided good intentions. However, I think we can all agree that there is nothing quite as damaging as cheating. I often hear stories of the moment that someone found out their partner was cheating. They have lists of the weird behaviors and red flags they saw and ignored, only to have them come into clear focus as that sense of dread arrives. And then, the classic line:
“How could they do this to me?!”
Hindsight is 20/20, right? But what about “right-now” sight!?
There are tons of “experts” out there who are going to try and tell you about some “magic” fix to prevent your relationship from ever facing this problem (Mark Manson even has an algorithm). Still, the truth is there are often signs and clues that trouble is brewing in a relationship long before cheating happens. But, because it’s uncomfortable to look, people don’t! And then they get blindsided.
Don’t be one of those people.
Instead of some magic beans, I’ll give you real, actionable advice you can start using in your relationship TODAY. So let’s get to it!
What IS cheating?!
First, let’s define what “cheating” means: any behavior or action outside of the agreements and boundaries of YOUR relationship.
For some people, emotional intimacy with someone else counts as cheating! For others, their partner is allowed to flirt all they want as long as things don’t get physical.
Cheating means different things to different people, so make sure you know YOUR definition in your relationship.
Here are three root causes of why men cheat, and what you can do to address them.
1. Poor impulse control when it comes to pleasure.
This is the classic “It just happened!” line of defense.
Everyone is impulsive. It’s just a fact of being human. You see someone dressed weird and you have a thought about it. A child sees a toy they want, and bam! They’re crying, screaming, and begging.
As humans, we can’t help seeing things and then having thoughts and feelings about those things. This is especially true about pleasure and attractiveness. You see something you like “better” than what you already have and get distracted.
The truth is, no one can be so incredibly overwhelmed with lust that they just happen to wake up in someone else’s bed. Rather, in the moment, they want the person so badly that it seems like the momentary fun is “worth” the risk or potential damage to their existing relationship.
As I have mentioned before, it is important to be able to say no to other people, but it’s also essential to be able to say no to ourselves. If you can’t do so, you will find that your urges are in control of you, and you’ll talk yourself into all sorts of trouble.
So if you hear, “Well, it just happened,” let’s be honest: it didn’t just happen! You don’t just sit on a park bench and then the next second find yourself cheating. The number of people who open the door to get a pizza delivery and then spontaneously start having sex with said delivery man is actually astronomically low!!
Somewhere along the line, someone makes a choice. And then several more choices, and then you arrive at cheating. Taking responsibility for those choices is important and necessary for you to move forward and protect your relationship.
2. Emotional distance & lack of intimacy.
This is the “I have needs!” line of defense.
First, let’s just get this out of the way real quick. It’s nonsense. Why? Because there are so many other ways to handle your desires and urges, the “I have needs” excuse is a cheap and easy out.
For example, you could; I don’t know, call me crazy, TALK TO YOUR PARTNER and communicate your upset!
You could negotiate a more flexible or open relationship or masturbate more. Or talk with your partner about creating more opportunities for intimacy with them!
If you feel that your needs aren’t being met or that an emotional gap is forming, talking about it is WAY more productive than cheating.
Saying, “I ate our dog because the fridge was too far away” isn’t a valid reason, and neither is “I have needs” if you never communicated those needs. And, pro tip, communication is a two-way street, so that means actually having a conversation with your partner where you specifically discuss those needs!!
Cheating automatically turns you into the villian whereas discussing the relationship dynamics and what is and isn’t working allows both people to be aware of the problem and allows you BOTH to play a part in fixing it.
So this one is a bit sneaky but important to know because it points to a much deeper personal issue.
This is when someone says, “I just needed a change, something different and new!!”
The truth is that life can be really tough at times and the thought of escaping it, even for a glorious moment, may feel very appealing. But with any form of escapism, you eventually have to come back to reality and the issues you “left behind”. We often forget that.
Cheating may feel like the simplest option for someone, like an opportunity to leave worries behind, flirt with a stranger, and get that instant gratification and thrill. However, this short-term “fix” means risking the life and potential you have right now. And it doesn’t just affect the person who cheated, it affects their significant other, friends, family, kids, and sometimes the whole community!
If you feel like you need to get away from it all, find a better, more productive way! Plan a vacation you’ve always wanted, try a new hobby, and introduce some new ideas in the bedroom. Hell, even having a secret ax-throwing hobby is way better than jeopardizing what you have in your relationship.
And, if your escapism means that you are truly unsatisfied or unhappy in your relationship, it’s better to go the route of talking about it with your partner. Wondering why men cheat doesn’t matter as much as why YOUR partner cheats or is thinking about it. If you decide your relationship not meant to be, that’s one thing, but ending it because of cheating is like throwing a bomb in the mix and walking away.
So take the high road! Have conversations. Try a couples counselor! Check out my Relationship Seminar!
Whether you’re dealing with issues 1, 2, or 3, or another cheating issue in your relationship, it doesn’t have to mean the end.
Reach out, get support, and keep moving forward.
Want to create better communication in your relationship? Grab a spot in my free Masterclass – How to Communicate: Relationship Edition!
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